This blog is a little more serious than most of my food-filled, toddler-story blogs but it’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now.
As many of you already know, we are incredibly excited and lucky to be pregnant with baby #2, due in July 2018. What many people DON’T know is that in late 2017, we lost a baby. If this is a topic that is too personal or upsetting for you, please stop reading now – I do not want to cause any upset for anyone, this is just my way of coping with losing our baby.
When we made the decision to start trying for our second baby, we were thrilled to discover we’d fallen pregnant straight away. Amazing! All was going well until one day, it just wasn’t.
I was at work and started to bleed. I tried not to panic, immediately messaged my sisters and asked if this had happened to them. They were my rocks, tried to reassure me but mine was quite heavy so deep down, I knew something was very wrong. To be honest, I should have gone home but I tried to make the situation as normal as possible so as to not freak myself out about it.
I continued to bleed through the day and in my heart of hearts, knew I’d lost the baby. To make matters worse, B was working away so I had to go to the doctor’s on my own and that was REALLY tough. My parents and sisters were amazing – they gave me so much support, as did B who cut his work trip short to get back as soon as he could.
The doctor told me it was likely that I had miscarried but would need a scan to confirm it. So my Mum came with me (there was no way I was going alone) and they couldn’t see anything. They tried to reassure me that because I was early on, it didn’t necessarily mean the baby wasn’t there, but I knew Baby Bun (the nickname we’d given to bubba) was gone.
It was hard. REALLY hard. It still is. It’s incredibly difficult to explain how you can be so attached to someone you’ve never met, and who you’ve only known about for a few short weeks. But that was our baby. A little person we created and he or she was gone in the blink of an eye. I immediately started to think about all the things I did wrong and what I could have done better. Was it the feta I ate in my salad or the drinks I had on our anniversary dinner when we didn’t know we were pregnant. But you can’t blame yourself and should never, EVER beat yourself up over losing a baby because it’s just natures way of saying, this wasn’t our baby. This wasn’t out time.
It took me a good few weeks to feel ok about it all and to ‘move on’ (which sounds incredibly cold) but I knew my body had told me this wasn’t right and our baby was still waiting for us.
One in four women will experience a miscarriage in their life but that doesn’t make it any easier. As part of my grieving process, I felt it was important for me to write about losing our baby but that’s very personal to me – I enjoy writing and feel it helps me create beautiful memories and ensure that Baby Bun will never be forgotten.
The next steps in our story are a lot brighter. When I felt ready, we decided to try again and were truly amazed that we fell pregnant very soon after. We are expecting baby #2 in July this year and I normally stay away from this phrase but feel we are so, SO blessed, grateful and happy. I am not taking anything for granted and trying to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy (which at times can be VERY hard!) because I realise how incredibly lucky we are. Not everyone is this lucky so we are counting our lucky stars.
So that’s the story of our Baby Bun and why Baby M #2 is our special little rainbow baby. Never forgotten, always in our hearts.
Love Dan xx